THE CHRISTMAS SONG

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Jack Frost and some other shmoes slurring all his prose and spaghettios acting grandiose

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir

And folks dressed up in women’s clothes to decompose like Derrick Rose like skanky hoes

Everybody knows a turkey by the name of Joe in from Idaho with a piccolo in a puppet show

Helps to make the season bright

lotsa tater rotten Hotten tots with their eyes all aglow

Will find it hard to sleep tonight

They know that Santa's on his way

He's loaded so it’s best you get out of his way matzoh balls and bagels on his tray and he’s singing songs from Cabaret up the tank of Daddy’s Chevrolet

And every mother 's child 's child 's child 's child is gonna spy

To see if reindeer really give you the eye get “Life of Pi” like seedless rye get really high

And so I'm offering this simple phrase

To kids from here to Timbuktu and cows a-sayin’ moo and koalas at the zoo and cocka-roaches, too

Although it's been said many times, many ways

Merry Christmas Happy Hannukah Joyous Kwanzaa Festive Festivus to you.

I have a little dreidel

I made it out of clay

And when it’s dry and ready

I’ll sell it on e-bay throw that thing away laugh at your toupée find some new cliché

Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel

I think I’ve gone astray can’t find words to say must cry out “Oy Vey!” ’d rather do crochet

And when you’re dry and ready

I’ll just call it a day. Hey! I’ll eat a whole buffet. Hey! I’ll jump right in the bay. Hey! Somebody’s gonna pay. Hey!

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling, too.

Come on, it's lovely weather and I can’t do no better than you you big dumb ding-a-ling, you and I like that sweater on you for a big Irish setter named Boo

Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, “Hey you!” “Achoo!” “So, nu?” “Elf U!”

Come on, it's lovely weather for a friend who’s fair-weather like you. Taylor Swift, Kim Kardashian, too. for a lifelong, inveterate shrew. with a headful of cheddar fondue.

Giddy-yap, giddy-yap, giddy-yap, let's go,

Let's look at the show

We're riding and we got nowhere to go in a vat of pastry dough with a vague, uncertain glow and I just stubbed my big toe

Giddy-yap, giddy-yap, giddy-yap, it's grand,

Just holding your hand hand hand hand hand

We're gliding along with a song of a wintery fairyland.

Our cheeks are nice and rosy and big red nosey dipped in anchovies born in New Josey Nancy Pelosi are we.

We're snuggled up together like a bird in a sycamore tree. like a college professor should be. so it’s just like, whatever, to me. but just don’t put no pressure on me.

Let's take that road before us and Sponge-Bob’s porous, it’s true I’m a Taurus, are you? a Brontosaurus or two here’s a thesaurus for you .

Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.

There's a happy feelng nothing in the world can buy,

When they pass out on the table the forty-yard line the cappicola the damn potatoes and the pumpkin pie.

It'll nearly be like a photobomb a Facebook post a Twitter feed a wallaby from Currier and Ives.

These wonderful things are the things we remember all through our lives!

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, sick of mingling, you? shoppers quibbling, too. hubcaps wiggling, too. while I’m tickling you.

Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.

Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, “Yoo-hoo!"

Come on, it's lovely weather but this wasn’t so clever, it’s true. this was quite an endeavor for you. hope I caused no displeasure for you. and now this thing is finally through.